I just walked out of the house today.It was getting really pissing off.
so i just walked out.
i went for a walk.
i walk a lot you know.
A lot.
i always walk back from a friend's place in ballygunge.
did the same thing that day.it never feels like im walking on the road but.
somewhere "outside."
I just keep on moving.playing stupid little games with footpath tiles.
you know how sometimes you're just so preoccupied with nothing that pretty much nothing is going through your brain which otherwise refuses to shut up.
it was like that thay day.so i crossed all crossings without looking.
certain people must have been pissed off.
like,"you're suppose to look while crossing,you know."
i know i would have thought that.
will remember this other state the next time im in the car.
******
I noticed for the first time that there were two very nice creepers next to the water tank.So I stopped and stared.
the woman behind me in the little shop was staring at me staring.
didnt feel like caring but.
but then i walked away.
like the other day there were these green lights put up on a building on the main road.they were thin sleek lights.they just seemed to be hanging out there.you could go on looking at them.
i was staring again.walked away sometime later.
i wondered what it would be like to stand under the big tank.climb those stairs up to the top.
the tank has always been the martian people.
because those tall cement things..i dont know what to call them..on top of which the round structure is...they have these horizontal bars of cement going around them.
and so they look like those martian people,the ones in Mission to Mars, that stand with really long joined hands while stuff goes around flying and rising.
i liked that movie.
always seen it from the one exact scene where the bearded man tries to kill the other ones.
******
I notied for the first time again last night when i turned around and saw that the cupboard out in the hall looks nice in the dark.it really does.
i'd never seen it like that before.
i would always stare either at the ceiling or out through the window.could see one half of the tank and the top part of the roof of the house across from it.
It is very weird when you end up looking at your hands and realise that they're not just things lying on the pillow but they are supposedly"your own hands."
sounds so stupid.
but it is weird.
and all the shit about voluntary movement is trash.
my hands dont move when i want them to move.
they just end up moving somehow.I dont even know how they do that.
they just do.But i dont dont ask them to turn or bend that way.
like i dont know how they ever got accustomed to playing bar hords. cause earlier whn i tried they used to behave like a spastic's.
how the fuck do they do that.
i sometimes intentionally make them stop.
they do.
but then there is an urge to move them again.
fuck i dont know.
******
my dad had made me stand for an hour outside school alone some time back.
i looked up for the first time.
quite a differnt view.
the weather was nice.
I never knew that there was that multi-light lamp post there.you know the ones which are made the focal point of a gol-chakkar in by-pass?
Its seriously crazy.
these people make the gol-chakkar all nice and pretty and you look up up up the pole and find a lamp post there.
funny.
but this one looked nice.
then that annoying beggar girl came again.
she's really naughty.horrible little girl.I cant believe im writing about her.
she's always pissing me off.
because her intention is to piss people off.
she doesnt ask for money.
she just comes to piss me off.
ive had big fights with her.
and she knows how to screech freaking well.
but i shout loud too.
she just laughs and goes off.
********
im living...supposedly thats what its called.