The Tagging Thing-II

So i got tagged again.
ok.It is actually fun.

ahem.

10 SIMPLE PLEASURES.

very good.

1.waking up early in the morning and realising that there's still a lot of time left for me to sleep.
2.singing the millipede song.
3.teaching other people the millipede song.
4.learning new things on the guitar,playing them well and getting complimented.
5.looking at just-finished or old school projects and feeling very proud.
6.listening to things while making coffee on being left home-alone.
7.rain.
8.rain with book and coffee with music in between.
9.receiving nice comments on blogger.
10.receiving calls from people living in my city when they go out of town.

another one.ok?yeah ok. im a nice happy girl.

11.finding new things(anything-pen,pencil, silly hotel shampoo,aircraft chocolates...i mean anything)in luggage when people return home.
12.the other day i was throwing the duster at the blackboard really hard,over and over again.
that gave me IMMENSE pleasure.

again.
i got nobody to tag.
and i dont feel like searching for unknown people and telling them listen i have tagged you.
so forget it.

I just walked out of the house today.It was getting really pissing off.
so i just walked out.
i went for a walk.
i walk a lot you know.
A lot.
i always walk back from a friend's place in ballygunge.
did the same thing that day.it never feels like im walking on the road but.
somewhere "outside."
I just keep on moving.playing stupid little games with footpath tiles.
you know how sometimes you're just so preoccupied with nothing that pretty much nothing is going through your brain which otherwise refuses to shut up.
it was like that thay day.so i crossed all crossings without looking.
certain people must have been pissed off.
like,"you're suppose to look while crossing,you know."
i know i would have thought that.
will remember this other state the next time im in the car.
******
I noticed for the first time that there were two very nice creepers next to the water tank.So I stopped and stared.
the woman behind me in the little shop was staring at me staring.
didnt feel like caring but.
but then i walked away.
like the other day there were these green lights put up on a building on the main road.they were thin sleek lights.they just seemed to be hanging out there.you could go on looking at them.
i was staring again.walked away sometime later.
i wondered what it would be like to stand under the big tank.climb those stairs up to the top.
the tank has always been the martian people.
because those tall cement things..i dont know what to call them..on top of which the round structure is...they have these horizontal bars of cement going around them.
and so they look like those martian people,the ones in Mission to Mars, that stand with really long joined hands while stuff goes around flying and rising.
i liked that movie.
always seen it from the one exact scene where the bearded man tries to kill the other ones.
******
I notied for the first time again last night when i turned around and saw that the cupboard out in the hall looks nice in the dark.it really does.
i'd never seen it like that before.
i would always stare either at the ceiling or out through the window.could see one half of the tank and the top part of the roof of the house across from it.
It is very weird when you end up looking at your hands and realise that they're not just things lying on the pillow but they are supposedly"your own hands."
sounds so stupid.
but it is weird.
and all the shit about voluntary movement is trash.
my hands dont move when i want them to move.
they just end up moving somehow.I dont even know how they do that.
they just do.But i dont dont ask them to turn or bend that way.
like i dont know how they ever got accustomed to playing bar hords. cause earlier whn i tried they used to behave like a spastic's.
how the fuck do they do that.
i sometimes intentionally make them stop.
they do.
but then there is an urge to move them again.
fuck i dont know.
******
my dad had made me stand for an hour outside school alone some time back.
i looked up for the first time.
quite a differnt view.
the weather was nice.
I never knew that there was that multi-light lamp post there.you know the ones which are made the focal point of a gol-chakkar in by-pass?
Its seriously crazy.
these people make the gol-chakkar all nice and pretty and you look up up up the pole and find a lamp post there.
funny.
but this one looked nice.
then that annoying beggar girl came again.
she's really naughty.horrible little girl.I cant believe im writing about her.
she's always pissing me off.
because her intention is to piss people off.
she doesnt ask for money.
she just comes to piss me off.
ive had big fights with her.
and she knows how to screech freaking well.
but i shout loud too.
she just laughs and goes off.
********
im living...supposedly thats what its called.

I have nothing to say...

The old hag wrote OK on the board.
I thought "okay".
Others shouted zero kelvin.
And I would supposedly do much better if I think the same way.
Perceptions.
They can be so annoying.

~science student~

I have changed.
And it feels good.
Feels nothing actually.

Now there's no more awe for something beautiful.Its more of an understanding with it.A knowing silent conversation thats formal in its own way.
Beauty's definition has changed from the what was taught in nursery.
I somehow don't find the Taj Mahal that great.I find the ruins of old forts better.Maybe its because I was expecting more given the hype.
Somebody overhearing laughed when i said that.
I turned to look.He looked at me as well.
I turned and walked away.

Now i don't want perfection.Its a bit too stark.
Now I have my own perception of things around me and I don't demand an explanation for the way they are.
People who do,I find them silly.
Now I know I like something when I say I like it.

Right now,I'm happy the way I am.Even with the things missing.
I know I will change from here.Not much maybe but I will.There's no place in this world for something stagnant.
God knows if this is maturity.Maybe it'll be stupidity a few years down the line.Maybe even a few days, when I read this post again.
But this will remain the first time I felt real.
Happy beacuse of who I was.
And that, is a very good feeling.

15 mins of indulgence outside school.

There is a modi dukan outside school.

I never knew it existed until sports day class X when i went there with a bunch of similarly broke people to hog.

I finished half the stock of that place that day with everyone staring at me.And that was possible thanks to Rupsha's magic green bag which stored large sums of money in god knows how many one rupee,two rupee and 5 rupee coins.It was an occasion for jubiliation everytime 10 rupee notes came out all folded and crumbled.
Rest,we borrowed and never paid back.

I had utilised every last 50 paisa because you get chloromint chewing gum with that and modi dukaan ka person keeps chloromint in a nice small green plastic container which I can never find and then he has to point it out for me.

Now,we visit modi dukaan every single day after school for about 15 mins.Its become a tradition.And it is one place which I hope shall help me to grow fat though results unfortunately, are not yet visible.

Latest addiction at modi dukaan:Lays wafer style with pepsi...and crackle if you have the money.Even if you don't,then also you can buy because the modi dukaanwala people do not mind keeping us in debt.Earlier it used to be "orange lays."

So,after getting out of the school gate,we take a left turn towards modi dukaan and simply go pick up the green packet lying on the red rack.Then i tell the thin person standing near the pesi fridge to give one barra pepsi.I have specifications about the bottle also.I do not like those bottles where the pepsi label is not coloured and is just something jutting out in glass.It looks as if those are contaminated.

He knows that.So he doesn't give us those type of bottles these days.He takes out the last bottle in a row,the one closest to where the cold cold air comes out beacuse we are his special customers.

He also keeps the three or four crackles right in front, on top of all the other chocolates so that i can take it out easily.One day Jahnavi just walked off with a crackle without telling me.So i also did not pay him.

Next day he told me very sweetly.

Crackle also has its own story.If its just three people and one of them is Rajasee,then we have perfect division of crackle because she does not want more than two.

So the bar gets equally broken into two parts of four each and the remaining two which she gets.

Money is not a problem these days.Because i'm mask treasurer.

I keep the money back.Don't worry.I'm a nice girl.

Then there is a light blue coloured board right next to modi dukaan saying in white that the estate,"bibi jaan bibi" belongs to some person whose name i cant remember because the centre of attraction was the name of the estate which continues to fascinate us and thus,we have sung songs which go"bibi jaan bibi.bibi jaan bibi" outside modi dukaan.

The person sitting inside the modi dukaan thinks we are all very nice people but he finds us crazy.I know it.
Because I remember how he was looking at me when i borrowed two rupees from some girl on sports day,went up to him and asked"do rupaiy mein kya milta hain?".

I had been hogging then for almost half an hour.
He gave me a fatafat.

Sometimes Varun and Gaurav come outside modi dukaan.They used to steal food earlier but now they bring money and buy the BIG lays wafer style so its ok.

One day it was just me and jahnavi.We were standing outside modi dukaan and this hag sort of a woman came and said that she works for some animal welfare society which needed funding so if we could give her some money.
So i gave her 10 bucks.It was the cheapest thing in my hand.You see, we were rich that day.She talked very nicely,said nice nice things about us and went off.

The modi dukaan people told us that she was just bluffing.I said i know but what to do.She looked like someone who had a dagger or something.They laughed.We also laughed.They thought we were dumb.

Modi dukaan has become an integral part of our school life.

I'll miss modi dukaan days after class 12.The modi dukaan people will miss us as well.
We have provided them with never failing means of entertainment and an assured shoot up in their finances.But there are still two more years to go.
And that's quite a lot though the perosn most addicted to lays wafer style, only has monday left.
How sad is that.
I don't even remember who first came up with the name,modi dukaan.But now that little shop with two big fridges and red racks is modi dukaan for us.

"Amen" to that.

come to think of it..

I hate time. It's such a hypocrite.

forget everything.

I fall into a void every time i listen to some odd song here and there that makes me imagine myself in some god-forsaken situation or simply gives me a feeling of pure possession and fulfillment.Something similar happens when i stare at that lone coconut tree,seen from in between two buildings from my verandah everytime there's no electricity towards the evening.Its like i've thrown myself off from somewhere and i start feeling wholesome as the wind hits me under.I don't need anyone then.Not one single soul on planet.They never cross my mind.Nothing does then actually.But still this void is comforting.Its my own.And it doen't matter that its nothing.That's the way i want it to be.Its like drowning.Only its not suffocatting.Something like a phantasma.Something you don't see very clearly yet understand.Its like i've gone down an empty alley in life,leaving behind all the people who bog me down and claustrophobicise the roads.I wanna get lost at times like this and i'm pretty thankful that i manage to do that.Its not possible to describe it completely.There's nothing like it.Its not something amazing,nothing extraordinary.Its just comforting.Sort of defines the person who i really am i guess behind what i seem every day.That's it.

The Tagging Thing

I.......have been tagged.
So i write six things about me that are weird.
Problem is-i can't think of them right now though i know that there are a quite a few.But whatever....

SIX THINGS THAT SAY I AM WEIRD.

1.I like to sing nursery rhymes and other kid songs with actions and seriously don't care that it is highly stupid to do this.

2.I just don't break things.I have a tendency to cause major destruction.Here the reference is to the fire i caused in my modem and the monitor as a result of which my pc trashed.And also the centre table glass which i somehow managed to throw up in the air and break into two.(the obvious part here is that i had to pretend that i had got hurt real bad in order to save myself from a very painful ordeal)
Oh and i have broken quite a few things in other people's houses as well.Invariably and almost always.Especially when i visit them for the first time.

3.I believe i'm a nice girl though rupsha sen has made all efforts to prove it otherwise.BUT she is wrong.(And i don't think there is anything weird about this but she says it is and so i have put it.What the hell....)

4.Lots of times,i've been caught talking to myself about i don't remember what by perfect strangers in shopping malls and they all think i'm mad.(I end up making a face at them also but that is unintentional cause the face was being made at the horrible clothes but i ended up looking up with the bad-face-expression and there they were....staring at me)

5.Another thing about my pc,(now there are so many things about my pc cause i share a weird unexplainable relationship with it.)I llike to slap it when it doesn't work and the thing invariably hangs when i do that.Then i have to beg in front of the cpu.Then my mails go.But this is an old story cause now we have broadband.

6.I like to tear my lenses before throwing them.It gives me a great deal of satisfaction.

There........those are six weird things about me.
Now i have to tag six people but unfortunately, everyone i know who has a blog has already been tagged and so rupsha sen has promised to find six unknown people for me to tag.

So when she does,i'll put up the names of those people.

Child fantasies

I wanted to be good at everything when i was small.You know come first every term, draw the best,run the fastest and whenever there was something new that i came across,i imagined myself to be the best at that as well.It sounds so stupid. And even more cause all of this never happened.I can't draw for nuts....but sometimes my mountains turn out sort of pretty and then i get very happy.I could never paint properly.I simply ended up playing with poster paints and water colours.Because invariably i spoiled whatever i had made and would then sit with a thick brush and just colour the entire thing anyway i liked.It eventually turned out to be nothing.Just one something that didn't look all that bad.I threw it anyway.But the fun part was washing the palette cause then all sorts of colours were formed.
I don't run the fastest.I run better than some decent people but still,i'm not that good.I don't remember if i ever felt sad that i couldn't do all of this as a kid.
But now i really don't care.I still wish i could do a lot of things but then it really doesn't matter that much.I'll maybe give some of the things a try.Could start with jogging for more than 15 mins at a stretch.

???

Someday, I will die and everyone i know will be sad.Some will cry and fewer will continue for a longer time.
Sooner or later,when things grow out of time,there will be something nice again and everyone will learn to live without me. The fact that i died will be accepted. No one shall feel so sad about it anymore and maybe some may feel a tinge on say my birthday.
They will talk about me,not so often,happily when a forgotten photograph comes out from a closet.
I know that's what i should want it to be like,that is, if all the hype about souls makes sense.But sometimes i feel if i really mean this.Beacause I don't like being a passing thought in someone's mind.I like to stay there. I know people will say that even though i don't feature in their everyday lives,i'm always there with them.It sounds like a beaten line-a bit fake.
I don't know if i'll be satisfied.I'm a selfish girl.
Its better that we all die once and for all and souls don't exist.It sounds like too much of a torture.Neither heaven nor hell are inviting.

Things that i REALLY want to do but never will

1. Take my pc and chuck it out of the window.
2. Stuff a balloon into one someone's mouth.
3. Kick into the washing machine which has gone cranky and is making beautiful drum noises these days.
4. Kill my cell phone.
5. Take the full coffee mug and smash it on the floor.
6. Jump off a high place but not die or get hurt.
7. Slap one person REALLY hard on the road.
8. Demolish this new building that has come up right next to my house and is blocking my full verandah view.
9. Punch into the glass of the dining table through the middle.
10. Take a small,potted plant by its stem and and smash the pot on the floor.
11.Throw the moisturizer bottle out of the window and make sure it breaks into pieces on the road making a white splash.(once again)

my pc.

The other day i told all my friends a story about my pc.And they all thought that i had gone mad.Rupsha called me a freak and Rajasee laughed her head off.But still,i think the story deserves to be told again-for the sake of my pc.
see.......i was talking to lots of people on msn the other day and my pc was behaving fine...which it has been since we got broadband and so i was also not slapping it for it was working nicely only.
i was happy.
my pc was happy.
but then SUDDENLY, my pc got possessed by anti-pc-soul spirits that hover around us all the time and target the crappiest of the machines(no wonder my pc was attacked)
Anyways,after that all sorts of thngs started happening.....evrything became double double.At first i thought that my pc was thinking i had become cross-eyed and that's why it was showing me evrything double double,except rupsha's blog window which was normal(listen-i'm not exaggerating ok.....i was feeling dumb that day so i just said this out loud.)
Anyways.then toh i got pissed off and slapped the monitor.
Every conversation window had become two-one hidden behind the other and when i was typing,i could see what i was typing in one of the two parts but not the other and the saddest part was tht the one in which i could see what i was typing,was hidden behind the one in which i couldn't see.
So fine......i went on talking and then jahnavi's screen name-the infamous-started flashing very prettily in a deep,navy blue colour under one of the lines that i had written. i told her this and she got very happy.
but still.....i didn't know the true state of my pc until.........i put on the desktop upfront to start something and suddenly all these lines started blinking across the screen.There were ugly blue-brown lines and pretty light green lines.It was then that i knew that my pc was in conflict.
Anyways,i refreshed.Everything became fine for 2 seconds.
But soon the conflict reappeared on my screen.
Again i clicked refresh.
Again it appeared.
In sometime i actually started enjoying this game with my pc.it was called-"lets see if you can click refresh for the second time before the lines appear again".
it was fun.
i was liking it.
Sidharth thought i was a psycho.
Priyasha wasn't replying to my story then.
She did much later though.
Anywasy,then in the last moments of the conflict(i was still playing that game) the evil spirit had my pc's soul under him and my pc almost gave away.Now that is because everything hanged.But even then, it sprang up and without me pressing that little blue button,it punched the spirit,restarted all by itself without prior notice and sprang back to life.Refreshed.
And the evil spirit ran off.Vanquished.
My pc's good.
i hate my pc.
That's it.